My previous entry was a hard one to write. As I struggled with the grief and displacement from my miscarriage in December, I felt the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. To battle this anxiety, I decided to focus on openness. My mantra was (and remains to be): I am open.
This constant reminder worked. For a while anyway. I did my best to keep my baggage light, to let things go, but eventually, life and daily stressors wore onward and I’d stumble into the rabbit hole of “what ifs” and things I cannot control. My baggage got heavy again, then I’d start over. Time to set things down. I am open.
Before Valentine’s Day of this year, I took a test and the two little lines appeared. I’ve seen it once before, only this time, I was immediately scared. My fear had nothing to do with providing for a baby or becoming a mother. It had everything to do with losing the baby. During our last few months of living in NC, I carried this secret with me and unlike last time, it was easy to do. I learned that the baby after a miscarriage is called a “Rainbow Baby,” the blessing after a storm. My baby is a rainbow.
After a few scares, a few weeks, and many doctor appointments, my mantra changed:
I am strong and calm. Everything happens as it is meant to happen. One day at a time.
(To baby:) You are strong.
I was reassured by a strong, steady heartbeat and a wave from our little one. I’m now over half way through this pregnancy (24 weeks) and time is beginning to speed up. The symptoms have been pretty wild and I’ve been throwing up since week 9. Baby is kicking around and I can see my belly move. I’ve been able to feel definite movement since 18 weeks. I’ve been told it feels like butterflies, or flutters–but it does not. It feels like a thump. Thump, thump! hello! I am here! I love it. I’m amazed every day by what my body is doing. We cannot wait to meet our baby this fall. Although I’ve now made it to the “viability mark,” fear sometimes lingers. Maybe it will go away once I hold my baby in my arms, or perhaps this new fear will always be present–as parents always worry for their children’s well being. It’s our intrinsic job to care. I cannot wait to be a mother.
I am strong. I am calm. I am open. One day at a time.
You are strong, baby. You are so strong.